Stop Measuring Your Sex Life
Have you ever found yourself googling any of the following questions:
How often should we have sex?
How many partners should I have before I get married?
How long after a first date should we have sex?
How many minutes (hours?) should sex last?
How big is the average penis?
There is probably a splashy magazine article “answering” all of those questions. But here’s the thing, a really delicious and satisfying sex life can’t be boiled down to a number. So why do we get so caught up in knowing the numbers and formulas that add up to good sex?
Often when I hear a question that’s looking for a concrete number, it feels like the real question I’m being asked is, “what is normal?”
The thing is, I get it. I too have lived through all the different ways to measure my life. We loooove to measure things that are important to us. The 4 Hour Work Week, Whole 30 (still don’t know what this tbh), 30 day yoga challenges, 10 days of meditation, 6-figure salary, 10,000 steps per day, and on and on and on….
Numbers feel so clear. Numbers make success and progress feel easy. You know for certain if you were successful or not because of the number. Not to mention, we get to feel superior to people who don’t reach the number or, gasp!, don’t even know their number at all. If instead of numbers we said…”eat food” or “Meditate until it feels good” or “make enough money to live comfortably” or “give yoga a try” just do not have the same umph.
Measuring sex is extra enticing becuase there is so much shame and fear and anxiety around sex that if only we could put a number on it, then it would ease so much of that suffering with proof that we are ok. But meeting that number for “good sex” is never as satisfying as we hope. Just like any other way we try to measure our life, the number on the scale or the number in the bank, don’t give us long-lasting satisfaction.
But I’m telling you right now. If you’re measuring your sex life in any way, you’re doing it wrong. The good news is, the next part of your sex life is about to begin…
First, think of the number that you believe you need to succeed. Because you’re here, maybe that number has to do with sexuality but it can be any number that you cherish. It’s probably a number that you have not reached because those are the only numbers we hold on to.
Imagine yourself in a river that’s flowing and you’re holding on to that goal, that identity. The river is flowing all around you but you’re holding on to the rope that’s tied to whatever you keep telling yourself is successful.
Now take a deeeep breath and...let that shit go. Let it go. Let yourself be carried by the river. Your life is meant to naturally flow, there is so much downstream that’s waiting for you. And don’t worry if you feel scared about letting it go, or guilty like I usually do.
Here are the thoughts I have while I am letting go of my number...
But my comfort is in that number!
But my pleasure is in that number!
But my intelligence is in that number!
But my freedom is in that number!
No it’s not. It never was. What I tell people all the time is that your sexuality, your sexual energy, is always always with you. It’s never out there. You cannot measure how sexual you are, it just is. And that goes for all of the other stuff we try to measure too. What was your number measuring for you?
Look at the common questions listed at the beginning. Look at what they are actually trying to measure: Confidence. Pleasure. Love. Do we really think we can quantify these things?
Now there are going to be people who insist that their number doesn’t have any power over them. Their number makes them better. And that’s okay. If it really makes you happy, you can keep striving for sex 3 times per week, your multiple orgasms, your 8 inch whatever…
But the second that your number makes you feel shame or that you’re not enough, please remember that you’re enough without it and you’re safe to just let it go.