Talking About Sex With ED
***This article was originally published for Giddy***
You can read all of the books and science on body language, you can even be an expert at reading subtle body clues from a mile away, but at the end of the day when you go home to your lover - you’re going to have to use words to communicate.
If talking to your partner about what you like in bed makes you want to run and hide then think of it this way: by talking about what you like during sex you are giving your partner a gift. Asking for what you want is actually the opposite of being selfish - you are offering your partner the keys to unlocking your pleasure and in turn, demonstrating that you want access to their sexual pleasure too.
Opening the door of communication can be intimidating if your relationship standard is to not talk about sex. However, this act of vulnerability can build the intimacy that makes for a strong relationship and really hot sex.
Positive Reinforcement
Everyone likes to be reassured of their desirability. Many partners of people with ED blame themselves and feel like they are the cause. If you haven’t initiated a conversation about ED, it is better to address it before your partner blames themself and feels isolated. Remind them of your loving feelings towards them and that you are still a team.
I find you so sexy and you definitely turn me on, even if my body doesn’t always respond the way I want it to.
There are so many parts about sex with you that I enjoy and I want to keep being having sex with you.
Giving you pleasure is amazing for me and I want to keep to doing that for you.
It’s so incredibly hot when you...
Feelings
While ED can be a struggle, opening up to your partner can ease the burden and isolation you may feel. Sharing your feelings is an act of vulnerability and can deepen intimacy and trust with your partner. While you may also want to share more concrete information (doctors recommendations, research you found, etc.) sharing your feelings will create a fuller story for your partner to understand your perspective.
When this started happening I felt…
Telling you about now this feels…
I feel grateful that...
When I’m with you I feel...and I don’t want this to get in the way of our relationship.
Ask Questions
Whether this is the first time you’re telling your partner about your ED or if this is an ongoing conversation, it’s always worth checking in and asking questions. This not only makes them an active participant in the sexual journey, it’s a way to bond and build intimacy. Asking open-ended questions (questions that require more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer) helps keep the conversation going.
How do you feel now that you know about my experience with ED?
Do you have any concerns about our relationship or your needs?
How do you like to be touched?
What do you like that we’ve done before? Is there anything we haven’t done yet that you want to try?
Timing
When you decide to talk to your partner is just as important is how. In-the-moment feedback like “yea, right there” or “that feels so good” is very important but more in-depth conversations should be during a more neutral time. If you want to talk about ED, don’t wait to bring it up right as they’re reaching for your pants zipper.
Before or during dinner
On a walk
During a car ride
Getting the conversation started can be nerve wracking at first but it’s worth taking the plunge. Once you get the ball rolling, it will become easier to pivot and adapt your sexual styles and preferences. By being honest with yourself and vulnerable with your partner, you’re taking a stand for your sexual future and owning your sexual journey.